A Rainy Night in Felixstowe

If you ever had to spend a Saturday night in Felixstowe then I have the greatest sympathy. I was with The National Crafts Fair at Felixstowe and staying at a hotel along the front. Also staying at the hotel was Dudley and Margaret ( Hereditary Shields ), Richard ( Engraved glass ), and Anthony James ( beloved leader of the National Crafts Fair ), and his dog.

I wouldn't say the rooms were small but next to my wash basin ( no shower/bathroom ) was a towel on a roller. Every time I pulled the towel for a clean bit, someone in the other room pulled it back, I think it was Anthony as there were dog bites in the towel when it came back round. Anyway it was Saturday night and I thought we would go out on the town, realising I had forgotten to buy any asprins I borrowed some pain killers from Richard. 'Do you suffer with Migraine as well?' asked Richard. 'No, hangovers' I replied, 'got to be prepared'. Unfortunately Anthony had decided we would all go to an amateur 'End of the pier show'. He had bought the tickets and said he would meet us there. This was early days for me with The National Crafts and thought one had to go along with the boss, ( I soon learned different ).

We all stood outside the theatre for ages but eventually he drove up in his car, pulled up in front of the entrance and walked into the theatre. 'You can't leave that car there!' said the doorman. 'Do you know who I am?' spouted Anthony, 'I am the Director of The National Crafts Fair'. 'You can be the Director of every f****** craft fair in the world, but you shift that car or I'll stuff you back in it!' yelled the doorman. Ten minutes later, with the car moved, we sat watching 'Songs from the musicals', with a chorus line that included every different shape of female possible shuffling along to keep in time. Dudley drooled over the fishnet stocking clad legs of one on the end, whose legs kicked the air half a second later than the rest.

Halfway through a quiet but tone deaf rendition of 'If I loved you' there could be heard the sound of loud snoring. We looked around to find Anthony fast asleep snoring for England, and he'd been the bastard that had made us go. Anyway the show ended at 9.30pm and I thought a beer or two would go down well. 'We are all going back to the hotel for a drink' said Anthony ( now wide awake after a good kicking, actually he was awake long before I stopped kicking him ). Didn't bother me as long as we were in a bar. It was stotting down with rain so we ran like mad to the hotel. The bar was closed with a note on the door saying 'Gone out for the night but help yourself to drinks and leave money on bar'.

All very well but she had forgot to unlock the door to the bar. 'Ah well' said Richard ' might as well go to bed', 'Aye I think your right' said Dudley and Margaret. 'Are you all mad' I yelled, 'Well it is chucking it down' said Anthony. So at 9.30pm on a Saturday night in Felixstowe I found myself laid in bed listening to the rain and watching the towel rail being pulled through the wall by some mad dog.

Talking of Anthony's dog ( I can't remember its name, it must have been Fang or Ripper because it was a vicious swine, It actually bit the finger of the Hotel owner and she had to go to hospital. If I could have gotten my hands on her for locking the bar she would have needed more than a tetanus jab ), it was a Belgian Shephard that followed its owner as he wandered round our stands sorting out any problems. If you got on the wrong side of Anthony you would receive a loud dressing down and as he walked off his dog would look at you and give a snigger just like Mutley from Whacky Races.

I remember doing a fair where it was decided to raise some money for a local charity. Dudley and Margaret had a lovely Old English Sheepdog called 'Muffin', ( no jokes please ) and all the visitors to the show liked to stroke it.

It was decided to let Muffin lie at the entrance to the show with a sign on the wall above him stating 'Give Muffin a pat on the head and drop a coin in his box for charity' This went rather well until at some point, unbeknown to us inside, Muffin got up and wandered away. Quick as a flash Anthony's dog took his spot under the sign and waited, I swear I heard him sniggering like Mutley. The ensuing bloodbath was horrendous as bits of finger flew in all directions. Sales were noticeably down for the rest of that day.

Published: 29th January 2006   |   Back to Watercolour Memories.

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